Defeatist Inner Voice getting in the way

I managed to accomplish my exercise goals last week- I did my video 3 times. Some of my clothes are feeling looser. Still hanging in there with the food diary. Otherwise nothing new to report. Thanksgiving is a few days away, I'm hoping to keep the food consumption down to reasonable levels.

Stressed about a school situation with one of the kids. I recognize that eating won't assuage my anxiety and anger, which is a step up from just a few weeks ago. I started writing a novel early this month, and I've only written out several thousand words. Far far short of my goal. So what's my problem?

I realized tonight that in addition to my lack of focus, the problem is that I'm allowing my overwhelmingly negative inner script to try to cap over the well where my stories come from. The Inner Harpy I call her. I refuse to say she's "mine" because I want her to LEAVE. Both for the sake of my novel and my health. Inner Harpy always comes up with reasons why I might as well give up. Soft voiced, some times sweet, always scathing and out of touch with reality no matter what tone the words are delivered in.

Inner Harpy is often subtle enough I don't realize what she's up to until after she's accomplished her goal. I need more strategies for defeating her.

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Can you guess which one of the above is me?

I found my new exercise DVD- buried under the pile of summer clothes on the antique chair in my bedroom. Naturally I found it after I'd showered, but I put some exercise clothes on and went for it. We live in a small crowded apartment and floor space is at a premium. I've bought a dvd for the big exercise ball, but I discovered after the fact that I can't do the routine unless I move the love seat. Like the workout, hate moving furniture.

On the newest dvd I did what the instructor claims is a "three mile workout" but from past experience is actually shorter time wise. Walking and this workout are very different. Despite being billed as equivalent to three miles, it only took 35 minutes, no warm up or cool down. If one were to actually walk three miles in an equivalent time that means 11.6 minutes per mile. Very significantly faster than many fit people could do. However as an aerobic routine it's good- it's basic, it's fun, it gets the job done. I just hope that consumers don't buy it expecting an actual walking experience.

Afterward, I made up a little calendar and taped it beside the 'puter. Other than dates, it's blank. I dug out my stickers and put them under the glass the 'puter sits on. Thus a very basic yet visible reminder of how often I have or have not exercised. Easily visible from anypoint in the room. The goal is 3-5 stickers per week, one per 30-45 minute exercise session.

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Still alive. Still fat. Managed to keep a food diary for a couple of weeks, then only intermittently. Still don't have a scale, although both my mother and my sister asked me if I've lost weight. Very flattering, but highly doubtful. Some days I eat well from start to finish, others are awful from the moment I (skip) eat breakfast. If only I could eat a healthy breakfast daily- no procrastinating, no starches. Fruit, nuts, eggs, cheese, etc. Resolutions are well and good, but it's follow through that counts. The road to hell (ie: morbid obesity) is paved with good intentions.

Hubby has spoken of joining a professionally run program in the next month or so. He needs to lose 70-80 pounds, and is considering whether or not a fee for service program might of help, especially with portion control and incentive. It might be a good idea to try. He hates spending money on himself, but doing so may provide an incentive to follow through with it. His self esteem is so low, I'm urging him to do it no matter the outcome in hopes that he will feel better with the attempt.

As for me, I'm trying to keep up with the food diary better. Make healthier choices in more appropriate portions & skip fewer breakfasts. Those stupid commercials talking about how important breakfast is annoy the hell out of me because they're so damn right. I spend more time hounding the kids to eat well than I allow myself time to do the same. That's the problem, I allow myself to be led around by the nose and then whine about the consequences.

The other problem is the Inner Harpy spends all of her time doing her best to undermine and sabotage my efforts and my feelings. I came across excerpts of the writings of Peggy Claude Pierre, and parts of what she wrote really spoke to me. Other parts were really out there, but I took notes in my little food diary- and then promptly dropped off the diary keeping. I just now realized that. HMMMMM..Big clue there, Sherlock. BIG CLUE. I'mwidely read in nutrition and am getting better with food culture and trends, but am less well read in the area of disordered eating. I think I need to fix that.

I'll be better at food journaling. I'll keep a better ear on what Inner Harpy mutters and plots. I'll be back here sooner and more often.

Out Sick

The stomach flu has hit Shrinking Mom HQ. First the daughter, then me. Today is the first day I really feel "normal" if such a thing could ever be said about me. LOL :) Unfortunately, I've fallen back into bad eating habits. Creating new behavior patterns is hard.

I'm trying not to feel like I let myself down, like I've failed, but that mindset is tough to change. I guess developing new habits is like raising kids: when they get sick or if there's a major change in their life kids often revert to behaviors normal to younger ages. So that's me. A little toddler who got sick and now has to be reminded yes you really can eat well and balanced and be healthy even when you're sick.

Still no scale in the house, so I think the first weigh in will have to wait until Wednesday. Missed acouple of days in the food diary, but am back on track with that too. Went for a walk Wednesday before I felt sick and last evening, so there are positives this week now that I think about it.

The cookie crumbled

I resisted the temptation until 30 minutes ago. Two of the treats (mentioned yesterday) I managed to get the others here in Shrinking Mom HQ to share. The third, I left a note for the kids to eat as their afternoon snack. I came home to a note taped on top of the unopened cookie package, "Mom, dad bought these for you." If I can't get my kids to eat cookies, what am I supposed to do? I couldn't just toss them out, although I probably should've. I will next time. I managed to avoid them until after dinner, but I ate one entire sleeve of cookies for dessert.

I did all my errands by public transportation and on foot this afternoon. I think I've walked about two miles today. I'm exhausted. It's hard work maintaining 191 pounds of lard with as little efort as humanly possible. LOL :) I've decided to up my daily activity level as much as I can. Then maybe add a 30 or 40 minute exercise video or walk on top of that. If it doesn't kill me first. When I was living on the prairies I did a 30 minute exercise routine but then either walked or took public transprtation everywhere because it upped my daily level without seeming to be a huge burden. Needless to say I was a great deal smaller then too.

Maybe a daily walk down to the storefront library (about 1.5 miles round trip) to read the newspaper or taking the bus to the gourmet grocer- which entails a lengthy walk as the nearest bus stop is probably 3/4 mile away. Unfortunately the bus doesn't stop anywhere near the local park where I had been exercising. :( I'm going to have to rethink my exercising ideas.

One day at a time.

Complications

How do you either stop a loved one from buying you loved food treats or convince said loved one to buy you something other than food without hurting their feelings? Is it really possible to retrain both yourself and your loved ones at the same time? What if this other person has food and weight issues as well, and you're unsure if this person really 'forgets' or is subconsciously sabotaging you? How much can you er..fudge, obfuscate or hide to spare this person's feelings? I feel like I'm walking a tightrope.

I need to take better care of myself, the best way to do this is to eat better and exercise daily. How fine is the line between assertive and throwing our mutual problem in said loved one's face? I realize I'm not responsible for this person's reactions & feelings- they own those- but I have no desire to antagonize this person either. Perhaps my problem has been defaulting to the easy way too often. Not refusing enough. Not being firm enough.

This person..pouts or maybe the right word is sulks. It sounds ugly, but truth is power. Somewhere along the way it became easier to give in rather than have another pouting person in the house. There are children here, too, and they pout. All people pout, but I guess it just became one person too many. I don't know. I've kept the peace too often by bending to another person's will in certain things just to keep the peace. I'm reminded of a saying I read in a book recently: That which bends is not weak.

I've kept up the food diary for several days now. I haven't changed my eating patterns except to try and eat more fruits and veggies, although it isn't near to the recommended 5 a day. I'm cutting back on my grain based starches and added sugars. I haven't exercised at all. Movement in some areas but not in others. I need to buy more batteries for the scale (two of those expensive button kind, as big as quarters) or buy another scale. I need more measuring cups and spoons. I'm out of lettuce and sweet peppers.

These things I've come to accept:

1. I need to eat healthy

2. I need to exercise daily.

3. I need to be assertive when it comes to #1 and #2. Less bending and more upright, more assertiveness.

4. I can't lose weight or be healthy and continue the way I'm going now.

5. This is likely to cause unease, discomfort & other unhappy side effects until the new routine is established. I have to ride it all out.

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Basic stats: I'm 40, 5'4" and I just discovered I weigh 191.2 pounds. I've never been this heavy except during my last pregnancy thirteen years ago. Only I'm not pregnant. No reward for my ever expanding waistline except new clothes in ever larger sizes. I've steadily gained weight over the last four years, probably 30 pounds or so. Naturally I'm less than thrilled.

How much less than thrilled, you ask? I had 2 pumpkin donuts and a jumbo iced coffee with cream for breakfast and then I had an Arby's beef and cheddar for lunch. I'm off to a fabulous start with this new leaf, aren't I? BTW? The Arby's beef and cheddar? Was gross. Don't think I'll eat another one of those anytime soon, assuming I could even afford the calories & could tolerate the yuck factor.

Ok, so I've admitted I'm a short, roly poly woman entering middle age with serious cravings for all forms of starches and sweets. What are my goals? Eventually I want to get down under the 25% BMI for my height (less than 138 pounds, I believe). The plan is to do this slowly but surely while teaching myself to like veggies and coffee without sugar. Right now I don't have a specific diet in mind, although I've tried South Beach and it worked when I did it.

The other big component is exercise. For years I exercised three to six days a week often alternating walking and jogging or doing other forms of interval training. Four years ago I gave myself a very serious case of shin splints, serious enough that my doctor told me no exercise at all, even non weight bearing forms, for three months. Guess what? I've never restarted. And now I'm 30+ pounds heavier, completely out of shape and disgusted with myself. Yes, obviously it has taken me a while to get to the disgusted stage. I admit that.

More veggies. No starches. No added sugar. Exercise five days a week, 30 minutes a session. Those are ultimately the goals. I bought a cute little notebook decorated with ice cream related designs (to remind me of my overindulgence), small enough to keep in my purse when I leave the house, for my food diary. Right now I don't plan to count calories, but I will measure out portion sizes.