Defeatist Inner Voice getting in the way

I managed to accomplish my exercise goals last week- I did my video 3 times. Some of my clothes are feeling looser. Still hanging in there with the food diary. Otherwise nothing new to report. Thanksgiving is a few days away, I'm hoping to keep the food consumption down to reasonable levels.

Stressed about a school situation with one of the kids. I recognize that eating won't assuage my anxiety and anger, which is a step up from just a few weeks ago. I started writing a novel early this month, and I've only written out several thousand words. Far far short of my goal. So what's my problem?

I realized tonight that in addition to my lack of focus, the problem is that I'm allowing my overwhelmingly negative inner script to try to cap over the well where my stories come from. The Inner Harpy I call her. I refuse to say she's "mine" because I want her to LEAVE. Both for the sake of my novel and my health. Inner Harpy always comes up with reasons why I might as well give up. Soft voiced, some times sweet, always scathing and out of touch with reality no matter what tone the words are delivered in.

Inner Harpy is often subtle enough I don't realize what she's up to until after she's accomplished her goal. I need more strategies for defeating her.

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Can you guess which one of the above is me?

I found my new exercise DVD- buried under the pile of summer clothes on the antique chair in my bedroom. Naturally I found it after I'd showered, but I put some exercise clothes on and went for it. We live in a small crowded apartment and floor space is at a premium. I've bought a dvd for the big exercise ball, but I discovered after the fact that I can't do the routine unless I move the love seat. Like the workout, hate moving furniture.

On the newest dvd I did what the instructor claims is a "three mile workout" but from past experience is actually shorter time wise. Walking and this workout are very different. Despite being billed as equivalent to three miles, it only took 35 minutes, no warm up or cool down. If one were to actually walk three miles in an equivalent time that means 11.6 minutes per mile. Very significantly faster than many fit people could do. However as an aerobic routine it's good- it's basic, it's fun, it gets the job done. I just hope that consumers don't buy it expecting an actual walking experience.

Afterward, I made up a little calendar and taped it beside the 'puter. Other than dates, it's blank. I dug out my stickers and put them under the glass the 'puter sits on. Thus a very basic yet visible reminder of how often I have or have not exercised. Easily visible from anypoint in the room. The goal is 3-5 stickers per week, one per 30-45 minute exercise session.

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Still alive. Still fat. Managed to keep a food diary for a couple of weeks, then only intermittently. Still don't have a scale, although both my mother and my sister asked me if I've lost weight. Very flattering, but highly doubtful. Some days I eat well from start to finish, others are awful from the moment I (skip) eat breakfast. If only I could eat a healthy breakfast daily- no procrastinating, no starches. Fruit, nuts, eggs, cheese, etc. Resolutions are well and good, but it's follow through that counts. The road to hell (ie: morbid obesity) is paved with good intentions.

Hubby has spoken of joining a professionally run program in the next month or so. He needs to lose 70-80 pounds, and is considering whether or not a fee for service program might of help, especially with portion control and incentive. It might be a good idea to try. He hates spending money on himself, but doing so may provide an incentive to follow through with it. His self esteem is so low, I'm urging him to do it no matter the outcome in hopes that he will feel better with the attempt.

As for me, I'm trying to keep up with the food diary better. Make healthier choices in more appropriate portions & skip fewer breakfasts. Those stupid commercials talking about how important breakfast is annoy the hell out of me because they're so damn right. I spend more time hounding the kids to eat well than I allow myself time to do the same. That's the problem, I allow myself to be led around by the nose and then whine about the consequences.

The other problem is the Inner Harpy spends all of her time doing her best to undermine and sabotage my efforts and my feelings. I came across excerpts of the writings of Peggy Claude Pierre, and parts of what she wrote really spoke to me. Other parts were really out there, but I took notes in my little food diary- and then promptly dropped off the diary keeping. I just now realized that. HMMMMM..Big clue there, Sherlock. BIG CLUE. I'mwidely read in nutrition and am getting better with food culture and trends, but am less well read in the area of disordered eating. I think I need to fix that.

I'll be better at food journaling. I'll keep a better ear on what Inner Harpy mutters and plots. I'll be back here sooner and more often.